---Words to my 16-year-old self
~Hey.
You probably don't recognize me, but I'm you from the future. I know you always expected something like this to happen, so I took it upon myself to make sure it did.
I know you're going through so much right now. Always trying to figure out if you have a place to live or not, trying to protect your mom and siblings, all while they do everything in their power to tell you that you're always in the wrong and making everything worse for everyone.
I just want to say--that I'm so sorry someone your age has to deal with these issues. It's not fair. I know you put on a strong face so that your pain doesn't transfer to others, and it's admirable. Honestly, given your situation, it might even be the safest thing you can do.
Don't worry though---you'll learn, and receive help and tools in the future.
Anyways, let's take a break before getting back into that. Let's do something fun and reveal a few details. Don't try too hard to make it happen; your best is going to be good enough.
So you know that girl you really like? Maybe even love? The one you would do anything for and grew up with? I (we) just married her! I'm about to be 32, but guess what? We've been together for 16 years. Go ahead, do the math on that. I'm sure it'll be equally fun and scary at the same time.
It's going to be a hell of a ride.
It's definitely not always good, and sometimes horrible, but you both never stopped loving and caring about the well-being of one another. She's definitely going to become someone you can be deeply proud of. Even if you never got with her, you'd still be proud of the woman she became.
A little advice---she's very fragile early on, so be careful how you say things. Don't just parrot the things you've heard in your own home and assume it's okay. Even if you think it's nothing, or are just poking fun, blame yourself for hurting her, not her for getting hurt--as long as what you're saying isn't important, or doesn't hurt you for not saying it.
Counter to that--you need to speak your mind when something bothers you; don't let it well up. You don't have to be the invincible prince protecting the princess; it only leads to more pain for both of you.
Talking about the problems when they're small keeps the discussion and consequences small. Keeping them in only makes the problems and their consequences bigger. It's okay to talk about things that bother you, as long as you do it from a place of love and care. This will be the biggest demon you fight through your twenties.
Another spoiler---you do conquer this demon. You completely and utterly remove it from your life. To do this, though, you need to stay strong and never give up fighting; even if you get knocked down and lay for a while, you eventually need to get back up.
You know how you said you were going to change the world and fight for everyone weaker than you? How you were going to protect them?
You kind of stayed true to that in your own way. You realized as you grew up that sometimes, letting someone face their own journey and mistakes is all the help they need to get better.
You still have that fiery righteousness inside of you, but you've also learned the the art of nuance. The actual problem isn't always visible to the naked eye. It's a 3D space where you need to zoom in and zoom out, along with looking at the problems over time.
You know that abusive asshole dad of yours? The one causing all of your family's problems? He eventually becomes better. Being confronted with his mortality and his own upbringing makes him become a better man. That doesn't usually happen, so it is quite a feat. I'm sure you don't believe that; since I'm you, I know I wouldn't. It's slow and gradual, painful and enraging to watch, but slowly and in his own way, he genuinely does become a better dad. It will be a hell of a ride to get there, too. You don't have to stick around while he figures it out, though; you don't owe him anything. Him mistreating you is not your fault, and you don't have to stay for it.
Mom, she gets stronger. She finally realizes that she is her own person and can do things without permission. I won't spoil how all of this happens, but just know, it's nice to finally see her standing up for what's right, now. Having a voice of her own. She's getting back that beautiful, kind, and gentle soul that was always within her. It’s also so nice to see her strength even in really hard times.
Your siblings? Oh man, none of them turned out the way you thought they would. The great thing, though, is that none of them fucked up as badly as you will growing up (my bad). They become their own people with their own problems. People and family that you can love and depend on.
You never lost that bond with them; you can call them at any time of the day to talk, and they are comfortable enough to do the same with you. It's awesome watching them figure out who they are and watching them carve out their own success in life.
You'll be proud of them like the stand-in parental figure you sometimes have to be.
Now, back to you--
You don't stay the fitness god that you currently are. Sadly, you have a fall off and rise again, fall off---etc. You don't become the leader at a major company like you hoped (at least not yet), you don't have as many friends as you thought you'd have, you don't have the home you thought you'd have, or the job, but you have something you thought you'd never have:
Happiness.
I know you've never felt happiness---at least not true happiness where you feel at peace. Where everything is okay, and life is worth living. Up until a couple of years ago, I never thought I'd have it either. You do reach it though; you do become truly happy with your life. You don't wake up every day wanting to end it. The memories of you praying to God in the sixth grade to kill you, to make it stop hurting and to make your family happy, will only become a distant memory. A memory so far removed from how good you feel now, that it only makes you sad for a person that doesn't exist anymore.
That's why I'm writing to you. I'm writing this so that I can remember that this person existed. I'm writing this to remember that person---that kid who grew up and struggled for all of those years--dealing with a hand unfairly dealt to him from birth.
For the first time in my life, I can look at that person and say that I love him. I love him deeply. I love him, because he is me, and I now love myself.
To you, and to all of the iterations of you through the years--thank you.
You raised me up to this point. I understand that only through your sacrifice and fighting day-in and day-out with frail hands, do I have this--
A beautiful and loving relationship with my best friend and wife, and true fulfillment through happiness and peace.
---untitled_operator